Recently, I was laid off from a good-paying job and was told by my family to give up my dreams and just let The PriVILEged settle on a cyberspace bookshelf collecting space dust. After six-months into promoting the book, I still have no fans, so the heat is on to forego my dreams and instead work to bring other's dreams to life.
Here's what I think about my current life situation. Count on the fact that the road to fulfilling your dreams will not be easy and ridden with tests that pressure you and wear you down until you're willing to commit that your dreams are the only things that you desire for your life.
I'll do my part to put The PriVILEged into the Universe and then I'll let the fans decide.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
New Price
The PriVILEged By JW Edgar is now $2.99! #Assassin in #Drag #Avenges the #Catholic #Church.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Press On
I've been here many times over the past decade when I've wanted to quit but none so strong as this day. In order to get back on the saddle I'd equate my quitting times to those of an addict struggling to stay sober and on the right path, but who really knows as an artist what that path is because it's a path that can only be determined by others. We choose to become artists because it gives us a sense of control, but then why do those controlled artists become so out of control? (Enter your favorite artist here__________)
The real issue is that the artist doesn't know when it's enough and so he or she doesn't know when it is a good time to quit. Should an artist quit because they never sold one song or appeared in one movie or should they quit after fifteen years of being on top?
I give my family all the credit for being so supportive of my artistic endeavors over the years but I don't feel as if I've given them much in return. What I'm needing now is a really good reason to press on.
The real issue is that the artist doesn't know when it's enough and so he or she doesn't know when it is a good time to quit. Should an artist quit because they never sold one song or appeared in one movie or should they quit after fifteen years of being on top?
I give my family all the credit for being so supportive of my artistic endeavors over the years but I don't feel as if I've given them much in return. What I'm needing now is a really good reason to press on.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Book of Steve Job
I learned after working on The PriVILEged for eight years that pain and suffering make for a great story. The Book of Exodus serves as an example of tremendous pain and suffering. I also believe the same could be said of the Book of Steve Job.
We know that Steve wasn't exactly the embodiment of happiness. In fact, I'd say he had a depressive personality, yet he created such genius gadgets that forever changed our world. I wanted some of what he was feeling all those years because I have similar ambitions with my storytelling.
The idea of writing a story about Catholic priests and children of God was quite an undertaking after having been raised by atheist parents, so to tell the best story I could I felt as if I needed to suffer along with Catholics. Steve had this tremendous capacity for empathy and therefore understood exactly what his customers needed. I thought similarly and that if I suffered alongside Catholics, I could show my own capacity for empathy and demonstrate an understanding of their need to heal from sexual abuse.
The story of The PriVILEged doesn't stray from themes of suffering and humility and that's why I think it took so long to write it. As I kept writing, I kept waiting for some kind of happy ending to surface but there wasn't one and I found that to be rather depressing. But for Steve, maybe suffering and depression was happiness. After all, just because we're happy it doesn't guarantee success, a longer life, or even acceptance. I'd even argue that Steve's personal trials of depression and suffering were very much like that of the Book of Job and that he used these feelings in a state that could be considered fertile ground for greatness.
We know that Steve wasn't exactly the embodiment of happiness. In fact, I'd say he had a depressive personality, yet he created such genius gadgets that forever changed our world. I wanted some of what he was feeling all those years because I have similar ambitions with my storytelling.
The idea of writing a story about Catholic priests and children of God was quite an undertaking after having been raised by atheist parents, so to tell the best story I could I felt as if I needed to suffer along with Catholics. Steve had this tremendous capacity for empathy and therefore understood exactly what his customers needed. I thought similarly and that if I suffered alongside Catholics, I could show my own capacity for empathy and demonstrate an understanding of their need to heal from sexual abuse.
The story of The PriVILEged doesn't stray from themes of suffering and humility and that's why I think it took so long to write it. As I kept writing, I kept waiting for some kind of happy ending to surface but there wasn't one and I found that to be rather depressing. But for Steve, maybe suffering and depression was happiness. After all, just because we're happy it doesn't guarantee success, a longer life, or even acceptance. I'd even argue that Steve's personal trials of depression and suffering were very much like that of the Book of Job and that he used these feelings in a state that could be considered fertile ground for greatness.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Leonora
I'd wanted to write sitcoms since I was in college and thought my chance finally came when Friends hit the airwaves in the early nineties. I figured it had to be my time because I resonated with all of the characters, mostly Ross, because I'd just divorced my first wife after she'd fell in love with another women. Classic, huh?
So, I wrote a few spec scripts in Colorado and then moved to California in search of an agent. In the land of miracles, I found one inside of three weeks at the Gersh Agency. I was told how much they loved the script, "The One With The Swedish Meatballs," about Joey and Chandler meeting twins who are porn stars seeking to recruit them for future movies. Everything then went really fast and the agent set up a meeting for us to meet with the producers.
I'd found a room to rent from Leonora, a woman with a heavy accent from South America. I adored her because each time my girlfriend called Leonora would yell, "Yim, phone for chu!" It was never "you." That experience never left my head and so I decided when writing The PriVILEged that I would try to make Father Dominic just as interesting with him saying such things as, "Chu come with me, Mateo."
I was looking forward to starting a life in California with my girlfriend, but things didn't go as planned. However, if the only reason I ended up in San Francisco was to experience Leonora's accent, I think you'll agree it was worth it.
So, I wrote a few spec scripts in Colorado and then moved to California in search of an agent. In the land of miracles, I found one inside of three weeks at the Gersh Agency. I was told how much they loved the script, "The One With The Swedish Meatballs," about Joey and Chandler meeting twins who are porn stars seeking to recruit them for future movies. Everything then went really fast and the agent set up a meeting for us to meet with the producers.
I'd found a room to rent from Leonora, a woman with a heavy accent from South America. I adored her because each time my girlfriend called Leonora would yell, "Yim, phone for chu!" It was never "you." That experience never left my head and so I decided when writing The PriVILEged that I would try to make Father Dominic just as interesting with him saying such things as, "Chu come with me, Mateo."
I was looking forward to starting a life in California with my girlfriend, but things didn't go as planned. However, if the only reason I ended up in San Francisco was to experience Leonora's accent, I think you'll agree it was worth it.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Mommy
From my research about serial killers, most had mommy problems. So there was this fantastic opportunity in The PriVILEged to not only discuss the role of the mommy but also the role a mother plays in the life of her son and of the church.
I wanted to bring the mommy role to life for this story, but I also wanted to transcend the mommy role from a mommy, to a sister, and finally to a mother. Meaning, Rita is first known as Matty's mommy but she feels this strong sense of calling to become part of the church and no one knows her secret other than one other person so the church isn't aware that she has a son and thus applies to become Sister Rita. As years go by, Matty realizes that his mommy is Mother Rita and that his father is Father...
I wanted to bring the mommy role to life for this story, but I also wanted to transcend the mommy role from a mommy, to a sister, and finally to a mother. Meaning, Rita is first known as Matty's mommy but she feels this strong sense of calling to become part of the church and no one knows her secret other than one other person so the church isn't aware that she has a son and thus applies to become Sister Rita. As years go by, Matty realizes that his mommy is Mother Rita and that his father is Father...
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Three Pigs
I wasn't convinced from the beginning that Matty could overcome all the obstacles that I would throw his way as the author, which meant that should he be killed in the end as a martyr there wouldn't be any heroes and that's not a good thing for a novel.
A few years before I had the idea for The PriVILEged I was working on a story that involved three detectives from Denver, Colorado. They were working a case involving high school cheerleaders. Isn't that what every beginning writer writes about? Okay, I'll admit that cheerleader stories are perfect for the first novel because sex sells and cheerleaders, even dead ones, are sexy. I have since returned to writing that first story because you never forget your first and giving up the story made me feel as if I let everyone down, fiction and nonfiction.
The detectives are extensions of who I am, in case you were interested in getting to know me better, and there are three of them. Just like there are three sides of me. The first side is Adam Dasugo. He's neurotic as hell, struggles with his moods, desperately requires medication, and thinks that all women are in love with him, but that's not true because his partner, my androgynous side, Lacey Cain, is the right woman for him and yet she doesn't love him back. Lacey takes no shit, plays it "buy the book," (shameless suggestive sell) and is the most loyal woman on the force. And finally, there is Graham Castle. He's my third side, my third dimension, the laid back Jerry Garcia-type who began his illustrious career fixing computers around the police station, but since he was so damn good with puzzles, he was recruited to solve mysteries.
I often refer to the detectives as the Three Pigs. Over the course of eight-years, they probably taught me more about me than I did them. Once I mixed the detectives into the story, I had an immense challenge on my hands. How do Three Pigs solve a global mystery?
A few years before I had the idea for The PriVILEged I was working on a story that involved three detectives from Denver, Colorado. They were working a case involving high school cheerleaders. Isn't that what every beginning writer writes about? Okay, I'll admit that cheerleader stories are perfect for the first novel because sex sells and cheerleaders, even dead ones, are sexy. I have since returned to writing that first story because you never forget your first and giving up the story made me feel as if I let everyone down, fiction and nonfiction.
The detectives are extensions of who I am, in case you were interested in getting to know me better, and there are three of them. Just like there are three sides of me. The first side is Adam Dasugo. He's neurotic as hell, struggles with his moods, desperately requires medication, and thinks that all women are in love with him, but that's not true because his partner, my androgynous side, Lacey Cain, is the right woman for him and yet she doesn't love him back. Lacey takes no shit, plays it "buy the book," (shameless suggestive sell) and is the most loyal woman on the force. And finally, there is Graham Castle. He's my third side, my third dimension, the laid back Jerry Garcia-type who began his illustrious career fixing computers around the police station, but since he was so damn good with puzzles, he was recruited to solve mysteries.
I often refer to the detectives as the Three Pigs. Over the course of eight-years, they probably taught me more about me than I did them. Once I mixed the detectives into the story, I had an immense challenge on my hands. How do Three Pigs solve a global mystery?
Black and White
The battle between black and white is legendary in The PriVILEged whether a battle between an eighty year-old black psychologist and his very white protege or the battle between the black and white pieces on the chessboard.
I immediately fell in love with Mr Wet Sores when he says to Billie,"T-t-tell you wh-what, n-niggar. Let's play. And since you a blackie, you g-go second!" But that wouldn't be enough for Sores to create weakness in Billie or boost Matty's ego. Sores just had to add that extra verbal dagger. "I'm the wh-white boy and wh-white g-goes first!"
A theme emerged in The PriVILEged that I hadn't counted on and that was one of self-destruction. You'll see Matty, both on and off the chessboard, transform into evil, much like Obi-Wan1 and Anakin, with the same question of who will surface as the hero of the story. Billie wants nothing more than to see Matty's multiples integrate so Matty can somehow resume a normal life, whatever normal might be, but there is just no stopping Matty from becoming a vindictive messiah destined for a path of revenge.
It seemed no matter how old or how wise Matty became, it was apparent that I would be left with no choice in the end but to show that it simply wasn't enough for him to have killed the priests. Instead, he would have to die with them.
I immediately fell in love with Mr Wet Sores when he says to Billie,"T-t-tell you wh-what, n-niggar. Let's play. And since you a blackie, you g-go second!" But that wouldn't be enough for Sores to create weakness in Billie or boost Matty's ego. Sores just had to add that extra verbal dagger. "I'm the wh-white boy and wh-white g-goes first!"
A theme emerged in The PriVILEged that I hadn't counted on and that was one of self-destruction. You'll see Matty, both on and off the chessboard, transform into evil, much like Obi-Wan1 and Anakin, with the same question of who will surface as the hero of the story. Billie wants nothing more than to see Matty's multiples integrate so Matty can somehow resume a normal life, whatever normal might be, but there is just no stopping Matty from becoming a vindictive messiah destined for a path of revenge.
It seemed no matter how old or how wise Matty became, it was apparent that I would be left with no choice in the end but to show that it simply wasn't enough for him to have killed the priests. Instead, he would have to die with them.
Squire
Dr. Billie Miles would have to use his best therapeutic ideas if he wanted to establish rapport with a multiple personality, like Mr Wet Sores, and because Billie had never worked with a multiple before, he'd have to use his best idea from the start.
Billie liked the idea of teaching Matty/Mr Wet Sores the game of chess because it meant Billie was in charge. He could play the role of Grandmaster while Matty/Sores would play the part of a Squire. "Have you ever played the game of chess, Squire? Because you are about to learn the art of battle. By the time I'm through with you, I will have taught you the importance of strategy, weaponry, and hierarchy."
The ideas for The PriVILEged were coming together but I had two problems. I still knew very little about the Catholic Church at this point and I hardly knew a thing about chess. So before I could continue writing the story, I would spend almost a year learning both.
Billie liked the idea of teaching Matty/Mr Wet Sores the game of chess because it meant Billie was in charge. He could play the role of Grandmaster while Matty/Sores would play the part of a Squire. "Have you ever played the game of chess, Squire? Because you are about to learn the art of battle. By the time I'm through with you, I will have taught you the importance of strategy, weaponry, and hierarchy."
The ideas for The PriVILEged were coming together but I had two problems. I still knew very little about the Catholic Church at this point and I hardly knew a thing about chess. So before I could continue writing the story, I would spend almost a year learning both.
Mr Wet Sores
When Matty switched into Mr Wet Sores I had to find a way to bring Sores to life. It wasn't enough to have the name, although I thought Mr Wet Sores was a brilliant name for a multiple. I thought about a storyline that centered on venereal disease. I went a step further and thought about developing hideous sores around Matty's mouth from all the oral Matty was giving to the priests.
Perhaps I could have pulled it off but I elected to go back to basics and think about how Mr Wet Sores talked. He is a rude and callous fellow with no age. He is frank and says anything that comes to his mind. He has to because Matty has no confidence and is incapable of speaking up for himself.
The first time you meet Sores he says to Billie,"I said wh-what are you l-lookin' at, Blackie? Or do you go by 'N-niggar? Hey, that rhymes with ci-gar. Do ya smoke ci-gars, Mr. Ni-ggars?"
So Sores turned out to be a stuttering racist. I wasn't out to piss off any race when I first conceptualized this story and I definitely reconsidered the mouth sores storyline, but I have to tell you as the first reader of The PriVILEged I was hooked.
Perhaps I could have pulled it off but I elected to go back to basics and think about how Mr Wet Sores talked. He is a rude and callous fellow with no age. He is frank and says anything that comes to his mind. He has to because Matty has no confidence and is incapable of speaking up for himself.
The first time you meet Sores he says to Billie,"I said wh-what are you l-lookin' at, Blackie? Or do you go by 'N-niggar? Hey, that rhymes with ci-gar. Do ya smoke ci-gars, Mr. Ni-ggars?"
So Sores turned out to be a stuttering racist. I wasn't out to piss off any race when I first conceptualized this story and I definitely reconsidered the mouth sores storyline, but I have to tell you as the first reader of The PriVILEged I was hooked.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Storm Sewer
I live in a house next to a Storm Sewer. It can be rather scary at times during summer months when the rain is heavy, like it's doing now with the floods across Colorado.
After we'd moved in, I would take my dog for a walk on various paths each morning and came across lids above creeks that would say Storm Sewer across them. After some years had passed, my walks grew longer so naturally I would pass more Storm Sewer lids every morning.
I'd been searching for ideas where the abuse would occur between the priests and the children but I'd struggled to find something that would measure up to my expectations. Those expectations being that no matter how weary I became while writing The PriVILEged, I would need a symbol of sorts that would remind me of the worth to press on and write when doing so was the last thing on my mind.
I finally got the hint and wrote down the words Storm Sewer on a napkin after my walk one morning and began to play with the letters and the words hoping to find a hidden treasure. The idea that there was a Storm Sewer drain next to every catholic church had merit to it. A Storm Sewer had that "ick' factor, cold and hidden.
After a few days, I was able to turn Storm Sewer into Mr Wet Sores. From there, I couldn't wait to write the first session between Matty and Billie.
After we'd moved in, I would take my dog for a walk on various paths each morning and came across lids above creeks that would say Storm Sewer across them. After some years had passed, my walks grew longer so naturally I would pass more Storm Sewer lids every morning.
I'd been searching for ideas where the abuse would occur between the priests and the children but I'd struggled to find something that would measure up to my expectations. Those expectations being that no matter how weary I became while writing The PriVILEged, I would need a symbol of sorts that would remind me of the worth to press on and write when doing so was the last thing on my mind.
I finally got the hint and wrote down the words Storm Sewer on a napkin after my walk one morning and began to play with the letters and the words hoping to find a hidden treasure. The idea that there was a Storm Sewer drain next to every catholic church had merit to it. A Storm Sewer had that "ick' factor, cold and hidden.
After a few days, I was able to turn Storm Sewer into Mr Wet Sores. From there, I couldn't wait to write the first session between Matty and Billie.
Shudder and Switch
I read a book in the late 90's called First Person Plural by Cameron West about a boy who'd suffered terrible sexual abuse by his grandmother. So awful was the abuse, in fact, that his brain had to split into numerous personalities just to cope, even though most psychiatrists remain skeptical to this day as to whether or not multiple personalities even exist.
At one point of the book Cameron is in bed with his wife in the middle of hot steamy sex when one of his alters, a little boy, emerges and has all kinds of questions about what the hell was happening.
The situation freaked out Cameron's wife and forced her to realize how real her husband's alters really were.
At the back of he book, Cameron gives credit to Robin Williams, who I assume bought the rights but never sold Hollywood on the idea of a hero with multiple personalities. Having already made Sybil with Sally Field, I wondered if Hollywood had the attitude of "been there done that" with multiple stories.
The PriVILEged reinvents the use of the multiple by allowing each multiple to surface and is given the opportunity to become a hero. In essence, there are opportunities for four multiples in the story to become a hero masking their insecurities by dressing in drag. It's an idea that stood the test of time over eight years, and one that totally transcended the book after Bille met Matty's first multiple.
At one point of the book Cameron is in bed with his wife in the middle of hot steamy sex when one of his alters, a little boy, emerges and has all kinds of questions about what the hell was happening.
The situation freaked out Cameron's wife and forced her to realize how real her husband's alters really were.
At the back of he book, Cameron gives credit to Robin Williams, who I assume bought the rights but never sold Hollywood on the idea of a hero with multiple personalities. Having already made Sybil with Sally Field, I wondered if Hollywood had the attitude of "been there done that" with multiple stories.
The PriVILEged reinvents the use of the multiple by allowing each multiple to surface and is given the opportunity to become a hero. In essence, there are opportunities for four multiples in the story to become a hero masking their insecurities by dressing in drag. It's an idea that stood the test of time over eight years, and one that totally transcended the book after Bille met Matty's first multiple.
Father and Son
The PriVILEged is narrated by Dr. Billie
Miles. Billie personifies all that I'd hoped to become as a therapist working with youth and families over the course of decades. He's definitely a
weathered man who'd thought he'd seen it all and so I wanted to offer a fresh
reminder to him and my readers that when it came to studying human behavior it's simply not possible
to see it all.
I take you back to Billie's beginnings in Mississippi and fast forward you to the point where he is an eighty year-old black psychologist living in Colorado as Matty's shrink. Billie grew up with B.B. King in the same town of Itta Bene, Mississippi. Both of them grew up on the farm, barely made a decent wage, participated in the Sunday choir, and both got the hell out of Mississippi before dying of a heatstroke. Billie fell out of love with his home after the KKK murdered his father and son in a tragic accident. Looking back, I probably recreated the story of father and son to emulate the Catholic tradition of In the name of the Father and the son...Billie is surely anything but holy but his life has purpose as he seeks redemption for his son's death by offering Matty all the things he couldn't offer his son.
A Lot Less Blood
In Chapter III of The PriVILEged we go back to Matty's youth. By this time, we've been given a glimpse at what happens to Matty as an assassin for the CIA, but now I must share a bit of his backstory and explain how Matty became a CIA transvestite assassin on a mission to kill priests.
I thought the best place to begin Matty's life was with one of his visits to the State Hospital in Colorado where the story begins. God knows our state is in the news so frequently for psychotic characters shooting up schools and theatres that I wanted to dig and explore more about sociopaths.
We are introduced to Matty when he is in restraints and seeing shadows on the walls. After feigning sanity, an ultra-trusting Nurse Charity would enter into Matty's life drawing blood, which led to Matty compromising her and churning a paperclip inside her wrist like butter shattering bones and ending her career. Moments earlier she'd commented to one of the psychiatrists how she liked being a psych nurse because there was "a lot less blood." I learned a great lesson from writing this chapter and that was how incredulous we are as humans.
After Matty was given a steady stream of Vitamin H, he brushed away the previous night's sleep in his eyes and saw what he'd been looking for on the wall. A friend he could trust. A friend who could care less about his diagnosis. A friend that would never leave him.
I thought the best place to begin Matty's life was with one of his visits to the State Hospital in Colorado where the story begins. God knows our state is in the news so frequently for psychotic characters shooting up schools and theatres that I wanted to dig and explore more about sociopaths.
We are introduced to Matty when he is in restraints and seeing shadows on the walls. After feigning sanity, an ultra-trusting Nurse Charity would enter into Matty's life drawing blood, which led to Matty compromising her and churning a paperclip inside her wrist like butter shattering bones and ending her career. Moments earlier she'd commented to one of the psychiatrists how she liked being a psych nurse because there was "a lot less blood." I learned a great lesson from writing this chapter and that was how incredulous we are as humans.
After Matty was given a steady stream of Vitamin H, he brushed away the previous night's sleep in his eyes and saw what he'd been looking for on the wall. A friend he could trust. A friend who could care less about his diagnosis. A friend that would never leave him.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Transvestites
I had a rare opportunity to do something special when writing The PriVILEged and that was to identify which of Matty's personalities would kill the priests. What I decided was to use transvestites whenever a priest had been marked for death.
I thought by using transvestites I could humorously mock the church's flaws and that readers would find the story much more interesting. Granted, no matter how I would tell this story, 1.1 billion Catholics were likely to join forces and send global emails to EWTN informing the world of my sins. Still, I thought I could finally tell my story about pedophilic priests with my version of the truth by using transvestites.
Once I'd discovered Chavalier d'Eon, the patron saint of transvestites, I knew everything would come together and that the remaining transvestites would follow.
I thought by using transvestites I could humorously mock the church's flaws and that readers would find the story much more interesting. Granted, no matter how I would tell this story, 1.1 billion Catholics were likely to join forces and send global emails to EWTN informing the world of my sins. Still, I thought I could finally tell my story about pedophilic priests with my version of the truth by using transvestites.
Once I'd discovered Chavalier d'Eon, the patron saint of transvestites, I knew everything would come together and that the remaining transvestites would follow.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Jason Bourne Again
I would have given anything to channel the spirit of Robert Ludlum just prior to writing The PriVILEged so I could make absolutely certain that I was about to write a best-selling thriller. As many already know, Ludlum had this gift for telling stories about one heroic man who was in the fight of his life against a powerful adversary with evil intentions.
The PriVILEged opens with Matty Andy Sinclair as an eight-year boy who is already in the fight of his life against the Catholic Church after having been sexually abused since he was old enough to talk. The abuse is so horrific that it forces Matty's psyche to divide into multiple personalities just so he can cope with the abuse.
As a child, he is introduced to his first alter, Mr.Wet.Sores. As an adult, he becomes the CIA's best assassin CODENAME: BLACKBIRD, switching into four personalities dressed in drag whenever he carries out Directorate V: To kill the top five most dangerous pedophilic priests around the world. The mission has been ordered by the Catholic Church and expected to be carried out by the CIA with the church's evil intention to justify pedophilia while eradicating the lawsuits against the church.
Ludlum offered the world novels based on conspiracy theories and was simply a genius when it came to writing about the misuse of power. My goal as the writer of The PriVILEged was to tell a thrilling story that I could only hope would compliment Ludlum's work in some regard considering my work was also about a one-man hero and a powerful religious adversary.
The PriVILEged opens with Matty Andy Sinclair as an eight-year boy who is already in the fight of his life against the Catholic Church after having been sexually abused since he was old enough to talk. The abuse is so horrific that it forces Matty's psyche to divide into multiple personalities just so he can cope with the abuse.
As a child, he is introduced to his first alter, Mr.Wet.Sores. As an adult, he becomes the CIA's best assassin CODENAME: BLACKBIRD, switching into four personalities dressed in drag whenever he carries out Directorate V: To kill the top five most dangerous pedophilic priests around the world. The mission has been ordered by the Catholic Church and expected to be carried out by the CIA with the church's evil intention to justify pedophilia while eradicating the lawsuits against the church.
Ludlum offered the world novels based on conspiracy theories and was simply a genius when it came to writing about the misuse of power. My goal as the writer of The PriVILEged was to tell a thrilling story that I could only hope would compliment Ludlum's work in some regard considering my work was also about a one-man hero and a powerful religious adversary.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Paranoia
As the writer of The PriVILEged, I knew that paranoia would drive the story but I didn't realize just how much until I began writing about what it must be like to be innocent children, devilish priests, and covert bishops inside of pristine confessionals while committing heinous sexual acts.
Whenever I sat down to write for the day, I'd think about a priest and his thoughts surrounding "preying" on children, I found it interesting as a treatment provider of sex offenders that I had absolutely no desire to defend the perpetrator in this story. Instead, I would be taking the side of the victim for two reasons. First, my experiences working with victim advocates typically fell short of my expectations due to the amount of rescuing and enabling that advocates so often do with a kind of fabricated empathy that did little more than to create a scenario of "I hope the victim likes me because I, too, can't handle further victimization."
My decision to write from the victim advocate point of view would be done for the sole purpose of doing everything I could to give Matty and the other children a voice inside a church that historically shuts down child and adult victims of sexual abuse.
I would be pleasantly surprised in the end with how cathartic this choice was considering that in my home state of Colorado we have a Sex Offender Management Board who decided six or so years ago that an adult sex offender cannot be "cured." This decision permitted me to write The PriVILEged using a narrator with a definitive objective that the only way to resolve this situation involving pedophilic priests was through the use of assassination and not shipping them Around The World pretending the problem didn't exist.
I'll leave it to you to decide if I was able to use paranoia as an effective instrument to tell a story about The PriVILEged and how you see victim advocacy. Just don't be surprised if you feel paranoid when reading because I believe this is how the children feel all the time.
Whenever I sat down to write for the day, I'd think about a priest and his thoughts surrounding "preying" on children, I found it interesting as a treatment provider of sex offenders that I had absolutely no desire to defend the perpetrator in this story. Instead, I would be taking the side of the victim for two reasons. First, my experiences working with victim advocates typically fell short of my expectations due to the amount of rescuing and enabling that advocates so often do with a kind of fabricated empathy that did little more than to create a scenario of "I hope the victim likes me because I, too, can't handle further victimization."
My decision to write from the victim advocate point of view would be done for the sole purpose of doing everything I could to give Matty and the other children a voice inside a church that historically shuts down child and adult victims of sexual abuse.
I would be pleasantly surprised in the end with how cathartic this choice was considering that in my home state of Colorado we have a Sex Offender Management Board who decided six or so years ago that an adult sex offender cannot be "cured." This decision permitted me to write The PriVILEged using a narrator with a definitive objective that the only way to resolve this situation involving pedophilic priests was through the use of assassination and not shipping them Around The World pretending the problem didn't exist.
I'll leave it to you to decide if I was able to use paranoia as an effective instrument to tell a story about The PriVILEged and how you see victim advocacy. Just don't be surprised if you feel paranoid when reading because I believe this is how the children feel all the time.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Your Holiness
When I'd sat down to write the prologue of The PriVILEged, I'd pictured in my mind two men sitting down to talk about the state of the church and the where things stood with the pedophiles. I'd pictured that both men intimately knew on a personal level every pedophile or pedofilo by name, how much power they had over the church, and that the time had come to do something about it.
I'd pictured those men to be Pope John Paul II and Cardinal Ratzinger, then the Prefect to the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith. I was surprised to think that Pope John Paul II would ever be involved with matters pertaining to the pedofilo, but if you think about it, he must have been on some level. For all we know, he was the worst kind of pedophile. The kind who spends a papacy talking about how much he loves children as if he was recruiting them for the pedophilic priests.
The one literary agency that I could only dream of representing me represented by favorite author, Thomas Harris of Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon fame; however, after I'd pointed out how interesting it was that they represented a work by Pope John II entitled, "Let Us Be On Our Way" and how I'd used part of the work as part of my research, I could have written "Catcher In The Rye" for all they cared and still not be consider for representation after I'd said this. It seemed that Pope John Paul II may have been a sanctimonious character and those who knew this didn't want to be identified.
That is when I had the idea to write about Directorate V: to assassinate the top five most costly pedophilic priests and to include the CIA in the story. It was a gamble but one that I would not regret. I was determined to write an air-tight story no matter how long it took and I thought the best way to accomplish this was to end the story the same way it began with what has become the two most eerie words the Catholic faith has to offer. "Your holiness."
I'd pictured those men to be Pope John Paul II and Cardinal Ratzinger, then the Prefect to the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith. I was surprised to think that Pope John Paul II would ever be involved with matters pertaining to the pedofilo, but if you think about it, he must have been on some level. For all we know, he was the worst kind of pedophile. The kind who spends a papacy talking about how much he loves children as if he was recruiting them for the pedophilic priests.
The one literary agency that I could only dream of representing me represented by favorite author, Thomas Harris of Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon fame; however, after I'd pointed out how interesting it was that they represented a work by Pope John II entitled, "Let Us Be On Our Way" and how I'd used part of the work as part of my research, I could have written "Catcher In The Rye" for all they cared and still not be consider for representation after I'd said this. It seemed that Pope John Paul II may have been a sanctimonious character and those who knew this didn't want to be identified.
That is when I had the idea to write about Directorate V: to assassinate the top five most costly pedophilic priests and to include the CIA in the story. It was a gamble but one that I would not regret. I was determined to write an air-tight story no matter how long it took and I thought the best way to accomplish this was to end the story the same way it began with what has become the two most eerie words the Catholic faith has to offer. "Your holiness."
A Miracle
I laid in bed and promised myself that I would not move from it unless the very next thing that occurred was the single greatest event of my life. I pretty much needed a miracle. Again, we're talking about the challenge of not only writing a first novel but a novel about crimes committed in the Catholic Church. I was compelled to get it right and yet I knew I was way in over my head and paralyzed at the thought that my next move would be the end of me rather than the beginning. After a few days, I got my miracle.
Crimen Sollicitationis was signed in 1962 by Cardinal Alfredo Ottaviani, Secretary of the Holy Office, and was addressed to all Patriarchs, Archbishops, Bishops and other Local Ordinaries. It gave specific instructions on how to carry out the rules in the Code of Canon Law and how to proceed when dealing with denunciations of homosexual, pedophile or zoophile behavior by clerics. Dioceses were to use the instructions for their own guidance and keep it in their archives for confidential documents. They were not to publish the instructions nor produce commentaries on it.
One discovery I'd made about the writing process was realizing that there was a time to research and a time to write. With the discovery of Crimen Sollicitationis, it was time to write The PriVILEged.
Crimen Sollicitationis was signed in 1962 by Cardinal Alfredo Ottaviani, Secretary of the Holy Office, and was addressed to all Patriarchs, Archbishops, Bishops and other Local Ordinaries. It gave specific instructions on how to carry out the rules in the Code of Canon Law and how to proceed when dealing with denunciations of homosexual, pedophile or zoophile behavior by clerics. Dioceses were to use the instructions for their own guidance and keep it in their archives for confidential documents. They were not to publish the instructions nor produce commentaries on it.
One discovery I'd made about the writing process was realizing that there was a time to research and a time to write. With the discovery of Crimen Sollicitationis, it was time to write The PriVILEged.
Secrets
I think what I would have done in hindsight before writing The PriVILEged is to do storyboards. It just seems that it would have made things easier to visualize as the writer, especially considering that there are numerous themes in the book that I admit were difficult to integrate.
For example, there are three Denver police detectives (The Three Pigs) who are trying to solve the first confessional murder and have no idea that these murders are about to go global. How are three detectives from Colorado supposed to continue on the trail of global murders? See what I mean? It would have been a good thing to storyboard first and resolve and could have saved me a year or two of writing and editing.
I also did battle with "How" the detectives would discover the truth and solve the murders with the use of sophisticated puzzles. Again, I'm not so sure the story required such elaborate puzzle-solving but I elected to keep the puzzles after I'd found a sound way to connect the puzzles to the detectives and thought the storylines were finally melting together with a life of their own.
It took more space in the book than I'd originally imagined to illustrate themes of detective relationships, Matty's relationships with his family, the impact of sexual abuse on a child and how often adults turn their heads in disgust of the victim while embracing the perpetrator, and the most complicated theme was why tell this story? I would eventually find my reasons and produce a work that I could be proud of and unique to the mystery/thriller genre.
We may never know why the church protects the priests from pedophilic behavior but the one thing The PriVILEged does do is reveal how far the church is willing to go to conceal secrets.
For example, there are three Denver police detectives (The Three Pigs) who are trying to solve the first confessional murder and have no idea that these murders are about to go global. How are three detectives from Colorado supposed to continue on the trail of global murders? See what I mean? It would have been a good thing to storyboard first and resolve and could have saved me a year or two of writing and editing.
I also did battle with "How" the detectives would discover the truth and solve the murders with the use of sophisticated puzzles. Again, I'm not so sure the story required such elaborate puzzle-solving but I elected to keep the puzzles after I'd found a sound way to connect the puzzles to the detectives and thought the storylines were finally melting together with a life of their own.
It took more space in the book than I'd originally imagined to illustrate themes of detective relationships, Matty's relationships with his family, the impact of sexual abuse on a child and how often adults turn their heads in disgust of the victim while embracing the perpetrator, and the most complicated theme was why tell this story? I would eventually find my reasons and produce a work that I could be proud of and unique to the mystery/thriller genre.
We may never know why the church protects the priests from pedophilic behavior but the one thing The PriVILEged does do is reveal how far the church is willing to go to conceal secrets.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
A Faith No More
When I arrived back in the States after attending my aunt's funeral, I remember how decisive my thinking became, especially after a ten-hour plane trip across the Atlantic. It was just like I remembered in the fifth grade when I played "do or die" on the basketball court, except now as an adult I had played Around-The-World...for real.
All the questions I had ever asked myself about writing and all my previous failures as a writer were washed away in my mind with a clean slate once I was on US soil again excited to get lost in the drama of writing this story about Catholic priests and turning it into this "fun" mystery about pedophiles. There wasn't anything to stop me now, except for St. Francis telling me that I was never officially baptized and that my RCIA classes would have to add that something extra, in"sin"uating that I could never be a "real" Catholic unless they baptized me.
Along my journey of writing about the priests and children, I would entitle my notes A Faith No More. This would also apply to me knowing that I would eventually have to come face-to-face with the fact that to write a story about pedophilic priests would be writing against what the church stood for, which to me seemed to be about money and power, two things that I wouldn't normally dare write about as a broke introverted writer.
In fact, looking back, I wouldn't make this journey again just for the very fact that I grew tired justifying that my efforts were somehow the right thing to do. Even now, I'm not sure I could say out loud that my eight years of writing and researching The PriVILEged were the "right" thing to do, but I can offer with confidence that I felt called to illuminate to the world the fact that just because Catholicism has the most rules doesn't mean they're better than everyone else.
Along the way it felt that I was playing "do or die" with the mafia standing behind me as I wrote the story. And before I wrote each night I said to myself, "I can DO this," and every night when I was finished writing, I said, "I could DIE for this." Still, I felt the story needed to be told even if this was the only story I ever wrote before I met up with the Sopranos.
All the questions I had ever asked myself about writing and all my previous failures as a writer were washed away in my mind with a clean slate once I was on US soil again excited to get lost in the drama of writing this story about Catholic priests and turning it into this "fun" mystery about pedophiles. There wasn't anything to stop me now, except for St. Francis telling me that I was never officially baptized and that my RCIA classes would have to add that something extra, in"sin"uating that I could never be a "real" Catholic unless they baptized me.
Along my journey of writing about the priests and children, I would entitle my notes A Faith No More. This would also apply to me knowing that I would eventually have to come face-to-face with the fact that to write a story about pedophilic priests would be writing against what the church stood for, which to me seemed to be about money and power, two things that I wouldn't normally dare write about as a broke introverted writer.
In fact, looking back, I wouldn't make this journey again just for the very fact that I grew tired justifying that my efforts were somehow the right thing to do. Even now, I'm not sure I could say out loud that my eight years of writing and researching The PriVILEged were the "right" thing to do, but I can offer with confidence that I felt called to illuminate to the world the fact that just because Catholicism has the most rules doesn't mean they're better than everyone else.
Along the way it felt that I was playing "do or die" with the mafia standing behind me as I wrote the story. And before I wrote each night I said to myself, "I can DO this," and every night when I was finished writing, I said, "I could DIE for this." Still, I felt the story needed to be told even if this was the only story I ever wrote before I met up with the Sopranos.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Lent 2005
When I look back to 2005 I'm reminded of how strange life can be. It was one of those times when I couldn't tell if life was full of gifts or if was just cruel. My second son was on the way that February right around Lent and so I was indeed thinking that life was a gift, but at the same time, I'd been so depressed because my first effort at writing a mystery novel had been rejected by all the big-name agents and publishing houses.
All these news stories circulating the globe about priests and pedophiles and I hadn't spent a day inside a catholic church. Not once. The only thing I could think to do was to buy a copy of "Catholic For Dummies" and to call a catholic church that went by the same name of the hospital where I was born - St. Francis.
I'd agreed to sign up for classes in exchange for handing over my soul, but three months into classes I received word that my favorite Swedish aunt had passed of cancer so I'd informed Hell all bets were off. There weren't too many family members I'd cry about in this life, but my Swedish aunt was worth every tear. She died on Black Friday giving me time to travel overseas for the funeral because Sweden isn't in any hurry for squat. For example, you wanna have a baby? Then go to Sweden. It's like a game show. For every baby you have, you get a year off from work.
In all seriousness, my aunt was the best. For a graduation gift, she gave me a book called the Open Book. It was a blank book with the message that the story hadn't been written yet by the author. She, too, was a writer and a damn good one breaking the message about women and the glass ceiling in the work place.
I can remember being at my cousin's house for Christmas after the funeral where my mom stated to everyone that I was writing a novel. I wouldn't have called it a novel back then with ten unedited chapters after ten months of second-guessing the story, but suddenly I was the envy of the family because me and my aunt were connected once more.
On my last day in Sweden, my uncle sat me down and told me this amazing story about the family's relationship with the church and our relationship to St. Bridget - Patron Saint of Sweden/Europe. After listening about our family heritage, I was hooked, or at least I was rejuvenated to resume my story. I thought for sure I could return to the U.S. and complete The Privileged in the next few months. But like so many times in eight years, I was wrong.
All these news stories circulating the globe about priests and pedophiles and I hadn't spent a day inside a catholic church. Not once. The only thing I could think to do was to buy a copy of "Catholic For Dummies" and to call a catholic church that went by the same name of the hospital where I was born - St. Francis.
I'd agreed to sign up for classes in exchange for handing over my soul, but three months into classes I received word that my favorite Swedish aunt had passed of cancer so I'd informed Hell all bets were off. There weren't too many family members I'd cry about in this life, but my Swedish aunt was worth every tear. She died on Black Friday giving me time to travel overseas for the funeral because Sweden isn't in any hurry for squat. For example, you wanna have a baby? Then go to Sweden. It's like a game show. For every baby you have, you get a year off from work.
In all seriousness, my aunt was the best. For a graduation gift, she gave me a book called the Open Book. It was a blank book with the message that the story hadn't been written yet by the author. She, too, was a writer and a damn good one breaking the message about women and the glass ceiling in the work place.
I can remember being at my cousin's house for Christmas after the funeral where my mom stated to everyone that I was writing a novel. I wouldn't have called it a novel back then with ten unedited chapters after ten months of second-guessing the story, but suddenly I was the envy of the family because me and my aunt were connected once more.
On my last day in Sweden, my uncle sat me down and told me this amazing story about the family's relationship with the church and our relationship to St. Bridget - Patron Saint of Sweden/Europe. After listening about our family heritage, I was hooked, or at least I was rejuvenated to resume my story. I thought for sure I could return to the U.S. and complete The Privileged in the next few months. But like so many times in eight years, I was wrong.
Monday, September 2, 2013
The First Day
To start, I'm stoked that after eight years of researching, writing, and editing that I completed my first novel, "The PriVILEged," about a CIA assassin in drag who avenges the Catholic Church by killing the top five most costly pedophilic priests. The idea being that if the pedophiles were murdered then the lawsuits against the church would be eradicated. It's a really good story filled with all the elements of any good mystery including surprising twists, paralyzing fears at every turn, and my favorite, the unplanned ending that truthfully took me years to plan!
The part where I get unique on you is when I introduce the Knight's Tour, which any chess fan will immediately recognize, but I combine it with a Mensa-like crossword puzzle that took me a year to design. As you can imagine, it would be unrealistic to write this story inside three months. Instead, I had to slow down my ambitions and my dreams and focus on getting it right.
In other words, to bring this story to you, I had to do the work that was required of me and not what I thought was required for it to be a success. My favorite writer, Thomas Harris, often took eight years between writing and publishing his books, but that was between the late seventies and early nineties. There were no blogs, twitter, and facebook and no getting to know your authors before buying their work. It was all about the story then as it is for me now.
I'm old school in the fact that I' m also about the story and new school in that I want you to get to know me and what's inside my mind as I become more brutally honest with my thoughts, my characters, and my books as time goes by. So, please, come on in and enjoy my head because I would like to get to know you, too, as we make this journey together.
My best,
JW
The part where I get unique on you is when I introduce the Knight's Tour, which any chess fan will immediately recognize, but I combine it with a Mensa-like crossword puzzle that took me a year to design. As you can imagine, it would be unrealistic to write this story inside three months. Instead, I had to slow down my ambitions and my dreams and focus on getting it right.
In other words, to bring this story to you, I had to do the work that was required of me and not what I thought was required for it to be a success. My favorite writer, Thomas Harris, often took eight years between writing and publishing his books, but that was between the late seventies and early nineties. There were no blogs, twitter, and facebook and no getting to know your authors before buying their work. It was all about the story then as it is for me now.
I'm old school in the fact that I' m also about the story and new school in that I want you to get to know me and what's inside my mind as I become more brutally honest with my thoughts, my characters, and my books as time goes by. So, please, come on in and enjoy my head because I would like to get to know you, too, as we make this journey together.
My best,
JW
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